The End.

OOC: I am stopping this journal here, because I am done playing this character, thank you to those that followed, it was fun, a warning, this last entry is very fucked up and sad. Deals with suicide, murder of children, and pretty fucked up things I personally don’t condone. If this will effect you to strongly, please don’t read it. Sadly, its only fitting of Poe, and the way she would do things.

Probably silly for me to write. Hard. My hands keep shaking. This is my last entry, I just wanted to say goodbye. Maybe to myself. Maybe to who might find us. So they know why. Nothing is worse then those shows I watch on the ID channel and you never know the true reason why someone does what they did. I won’t leave it a mystery. I’m sure you will find all the letters all over the bed under us. The returned letters. I was angry, sad, then just there was nothing. Still is nothing. I was angry Father tried to hide the letters from me. I found them in his office drawer looking for a nice pen. I guess I could say goodbye to people, how I loved them, but no, they know, or knew. Why did I have to take my parents and kids with me? Because, I don’t want anyone to feel my pain. Loss. I could have gone alone, but when you do, you hurt so many you leave behind. I know the feeling of being left behind. The men I fall in love with, always leave me behind. It’s an awful feeling. Worse pain ever, I don’t want my Parents or children to feel that. For now, they only knew a good meal, love and a peaceful sleep. I found the letters and just closed the drawer. I hate taking my pills so Father never bothered to lock up the stuff he has at home for emergency patients. He didn’t have to worry about me taking it. Dinner, warm mexican hot chocolate all laced. It only took the first thirty minutes of our movie we were watching as a family for everyone to fall asleep. The girls fell asleep in their booster seats at the table. No one felt anything. I left Mother and Father on the couch holding hands, because it seemed only right. It was beautiful. Even after I slit their throats, it was still beautiful even in a hue of crimson. Of course it was harder to do so, to the children. Their faces….so sweet, and perfect. The loves of my life. All seven of them. Only thing I ever did right, was giving life to my six, and raising Moon Pie. So please don’t say I hated them, or it was savage. It wasn’t. I love them all. So much so, I don’t want them to suffer. I couldn’t imagine a life with no parents. Yes, it was hard to cut their throats, to watch each and every last breath. The sounds, are awful. But they felt nothing, no eyes opened, the girls still have sweet smiles on their faces. I have all seven in my bed, laying on those stupid letters. I just wanted to leave this, before I snuggle in bed and join them. Unlike them, I want to feel the pain of his blade in my throat, for it will only match what has happened to my heart. Well, my old heart and new heart. A heart for each man to break. How fucked up huh? I am ready. His name is on the letters, I have no idea where he lives now, I left his cell and e mail address on the back of this journal if you want to return the blade to him. It’s a nice one, probably an antique. I stole it. Whatever.

In closing, I just want to say, this will truly only be a crime of passion. I refused to have them hurt anymore over me. We all will still be together. I’m sure no one will understand, but maybe someone will. Either way, goodnight journal, goodbye world, and life, it was never worth living. Whoever finds us, I am sorry for the mess. We all died as a family and happy.

Oh, one last thing, if you do find him. Tell him I still hate his fucking cat.

-Poe

So so much in such little time….

I haven’t been writing, I no longer feel like it. Life is fucking hard. Okay, that is a lie. I have been writing some what. Trying a different approach. I have been writing hate mail to Doc. Just sending it to him. Makes me feel a little better. Father thinks I am writing old friends, trying to stay in touch with people. Nope. Just Doc. I let him know most of California thinks he is a gay, and married to Bill when they ask if I’m in a relationship. How I’m okay telling them he found my blow jobs awful and turned gay to get those good ones. Even how he quit being a Doctor to make new self forming, vibrating anal plugs that you can write little love messages on. I even have put his phone number and a fake ad on some gay websites, to have them made. It really did make me feel better. I tell him what a horrible person he is for leading me on, and making me dream that there was such a thing as happily ever after. How I would have been a great wife, giving lunch time blow jobs, and after work drinks and blow jobs, even good morning ones if he would just have committed to truly making me feel he was really going to marry me. Of course the next week I would write him back, saying I’m sorry and how much I love him, and need him. How I will never throw his coffee away and if he would just make things right I would even make him pork chops. Then the next day I would be pissed I let myself believe he would care and write another saying I hate him again for making me feel like I had a chance. I think I have sent him like ten love/hate letters so far. I still think he owes me a baby. Since he didn’t marry me. Least he could fucking do, because I hate how much I love him still. Even told him how angry I am I fucked that stupid police chief to get a gun. If he had married me, I wouldn’t have had to do that! Strange, so use to older balls these days, I found the younger ones of the police chief not as smooth and enjoyable. Too firm. So then I had to write Doc again to tell him how much I missed his balls and hated him more for leaving me without that feeling of them against my skin.

So yes, I know I am becoming pretty unhinged. I feel it. How much I hate women who feel they need a man in their life to function, and cry all the time, beg their men to love them. I am almost becoming one of them, though I feel like, I should have shot Doc before it got this bad, so he would be gone, and I wouldn’t feel this way. I should have killed him while the love was good and strong, so I would have happy memories. It really made complete sense to me. So I of course wrote him again, on how he didn’t just destroy me, but he did my children with his lack of…….well…..cause he didn’t fucking set a date. I want my fucking ring back. Of course I did tell him, it’s his fault the kids Dad is dead too. He might as well have just thrown him in front of that train himself. So all is gone. I miss touching his face, kissing his scars, feeling his body on mine. I miss the shower sex, skin so much hotter then the steam, gasping for a breath, feeling like all of me belonged to him. Got damn it. I hate him so much!

My head and heart can’t be still, just so much, so much happening. Though I sit quiet for hours in the living room with the children, playing board games, or just watching Jackson paint, or the little girls fight over dolls. The kids are whining. They want to leave and go back to Maine. They want their horses back, the cold mornings, colorful leaves. They want to go back to the tribe. Mother looks sad. She has never left the reservation for so long. She removes her sad face when father walks in the room, but you can still feel it. I hear them talking softly late into the night. Mostly cause I am sitting in the hallway like some teenager being nosy outside their door after I have smoked a joint once the kids are asleep. Father telling her, we can go back if she is that unhappy, her saying, it would make her more unhappy if he didn’t do what made him happy too. Fuck, I want love like that.

I get bored when they start talking about me. How they know something isn’t right. Clearly. I moved back home. Ditched everything I tried to do in that city, and just came home. Restless. I want to go back to Maine too. I still cut, with his blade. I clean it nice when I am done, wrap it in velvet and back in the nice case it was in. I feel better afterwards. It really does relax me. Like releasing some of the darkness as the blood leaves warm trails down my flesh. I like picking scabs too. Bonus.

I better get some sleep, I want to write Doc in the morning before the mail runs. Last night Father talked of quitting his job. He isn’t feeling inspired there. Not how he thought he would feel. He sees not heart in his students, no one wants to really be a psychiatrist these days. Under paid and no real thrill like surgery and any other specialized medicine. He seems disappointed. I hope we will move soon. Hate it here.

The Struggle….

The last couple of weeks have been very hard for me. I have been suffering them alone, which is always the worse thing to do according to google. I can’t decide what I’m doing. Living, Dying….getting up to at least shower, or staying in bed for three days. I legally changed our names, which is cool, I guess. I don’t know. I liked having something to identify myself with. Even if a stupid last name. It no longer means anything. Not much does. Julian took things pretty hard. Maybe because he remembers his Father very well, to where the little boys and of course the twins, don’t. Joaquin hasn’t said much beyond a shrug. Moon Pie isn’t speaking to me. She blames me for the Doc being gone of course. I don’t care right now. Told her people are just born gay, and he was in denial for a long time. Him and Bill are getting married next year or something like that. Jackson has been drawing pictures of Dylan, his little friend who is now gone. He won’t even look at me, so he is mad in his own way. Mom is happy to have all of us under her roof again. She baby’s me lately, as well as Father. They worry too much. After two weeks of it, I asked for a loan and got an apartment outside the city, and rented a space to open a new Taco shop. Not sure why, I am sick of running businesses. Never was good at it. Tired of my parents again, taking care of me and all seven of my kids.

The first night at my new place, I drank a whole fifth of vodka and don’t remember much of anything. Besides waking up in the shower with no water running, all my clothing on, and vomit. Pretty gross shit. Took me three days to recover from that, and still don’t feel right. The next week, I took a handful of pills and said fuck it. Downed it with a glass of patron, then remembered I was suppose to pick up Jayson the next day to bring him here with me for a bit, so threw it up with the magic finger down the throat into the toilet, and cried myself to sleep on the rim. I was chilled for the week Jayson was with me. We walked around the new place, he was in such a great mood. I have bedrooms for everyone, even was stupid enough to have enough space for the three girls of Doc decided I was worth fighting for. Negative. I heard that buzzer in my head saying I was so wrong. Oh well. I had these same thoughts after my last ex. No one finds me worth it. I hear the tiny little violins playing now.

The following week, I went back to my parents with Jayson, again, spending weekends with them and the kids. Jackson is at least looking at me now, even drew me a picture of a pretty beach and kissed my cheek before going off and ignoring me the rest of the day. Moon Pie, is just being short with me but at least she is speaking. Sunday rolled around, we went to church, and then I took off home. Mother and Father all lectured me about driving, seeing I have never owned a drivers license in my life, but I said I would be careful and wear my seat belt.

Back at my little place, I unwrapped this old fashion looking scalpel I stole from Doc’s room. Probably something sentimental. See, would have been cool if he let me give him a son, he could have given it to him. Nope, mine now. He can go make babies with other little whores I guess, like Dylan’s mom. Clearly he has selective sperm flow, because, I am not that stupid. Made me mad again. So mad, tears were vicious, and I kept throwing things in my new place from the boxes in the attic, little things I hadn’t unpacked, or were left over memories from my marriage. I don’t know, I just threw shit. Once I had tired myself out, I picked up the scalpel, and pressed the still sharp blade against my wrist. Nah, been there, done that. Instead I let it drop to my upper thigh, and just watched the skin part slowly as I pressed. The tanned flesh opening to white, red, with such ease. It didn’t even hurt until my body really noticed, hello, skin being cut, and then it hurt like a bitch after the burn. I started with just a little line. It was enough to make me feel better. The pain. The throbbing. The anger at myself. At him. At life itself. I just sat there watching it bleed. Warm crimson running down my inner thigh to the wooden floor of the attic. I put the blade on the table I was sitting beside on the floor. Watching the design on the floor made with my pooling blood, making out things in it, like one might do a cloud. I will be damned if it wasn’t a fucking cat. I fucking hate his cat. Then I fell asleep.

My let hurt when I got up the next day, went to the hospital across from my house, had the ER Doc look it over. Said pretty deep, but clearly too late for stitches, I should have come when it happened. I didn’t think he went for the “I was practicing knife throwing for when I see my Ex again” excuse. I don’t care, I hate doctors now as much as I hate cops. He cleaned it out roughly, bandaged it up, told me to be careful next time, I said to fuck off, and I went home.

Now I know, not to cut so deep next time.

If you don’t learn from the past……

Again. I find myself in the same place I was before. I am on a plane with my kids who are sleeping from the whirlwind of events. Moon Pie is very sad, the boys are bummed, Jayson is confused, and Jackson, well, wanted us to take Dylan. The little girls, don’t care either way. While we fly with some clothing, a moving truck is taking our stuff to California on the ground. Deja vu. I was on a plane leaving California to Maine when my Ex left me. Now I’m on a plane back to California pretty much over the same thing. Did he leave me? No, not really, but it felt like the same thing.

I handled it the best I could. Could he say when we would marry? No. He didn’t want anymore kids. I want one more. He didn’t care about his life. Smoking cigarettes are bad. The last 24 hours were surreal. I think I decided after I made dinner for everyone, we snuggled for a movie afterwards, everyone was happy. We had sex, great sex, before he got a phone call and had to leave. I was laying there, naked, basking in the glow of my body so happy….when my heart just felt heavy. It was all, like a a movie moving fast forward. I called the Uber to bring a van, called Father to tell him to have tickets waiting for us when we got to the airport. Packed everything, walked next door and woke up his neighbors and asked them to come stay with his girls because we had to leave. Nice people, his friends, concerned. Just told them family emergency. I could still smell the sex on the sheets when I left the note, and the ring he gave me. I wanted to keep it, it was what kept me so strong for so long, knowing…he cared. I looked at the date and our names inside the band one more time, before leaving it with the note that said…

My Love,

I can’t, I am sorry. Maybe. I can’t tell if I’m sorry or not right now, but just very sad. Clearly, I have this curse that those I love, just don’t love me enough back. The men I give my heart to, never seem to care or want to give back the same love. You can’t even tell me when you want to marry, and I am not going to sit around and wait for you to decide. Plus I want one more baby. You didn’t. I love you so much it hurts. I am going to California, because at least I know my parents love me enough. I don’t do well alone, and if I feel alone with you, then there is something wrong. I hate the feeling of wondering when you are not there, if you are going to come back. Or just leave, wake up alone as you have left me before. I dont know. I will tell the kids you decided to be gay, and we are leaving so you can marry the neighbor. Makes things easier and teaches the kids to respect other people’s choices in life.

I love you, but hate your cat.
-Poe

I loaded the kids all up in the van, Jackson kept trying to get me to take Dylan with us, but no. He threw a fit as we drove off, unnerving the Driver, but all I could do was hold him, and whisper sweet things in his ear. He was so sweet and left a very nice picture he drew on the fridge for Doc, one of all twelve of us by the water. I would have liked to keep that one, but he wanted to leave it. Once Jackson fell asleep from working himself up so much, I told the kids their Father was hit by a train too. Might as well get all the sad out at once. Lost a Father and lost a possible new Father figure in one day. Poor kids. They are young and will bounce back. I just cried quietly to myself the whole drive there. Even writing now, my heart breaks. I guess I will try to sleep, we will land in a couple hours. I will be happy to see my parents. My heart and finger feel so empty.

So sad……

I have no weed to make me happy. He took it, and said he would stuff Sausage with it if I keep fucking with his stuff. So mean. Jayson is getting mad too because I have been babying him. I will say he was perfectly fine the next day but I was worried. Jackson tells me no, when I get close to him. I have been smothering him a bit also for being so brave and getting Doc for me when Jayson was drowned. Everyone seems so content and happy but me. I need a fucking joint.

I love this man so much. I do. I love how happy his girls seem, learning little things about them. Who likes a little powdered sugar instead of syrup on pancakes and stuff, how they want their eggs in the morning, making dinner at night, who likes what on sandwiches or salads for lunch. Those little things. It’s hard work keeping everyone entertained and busy all day long, made me miss Lupe. She was still at the Reservation with her boyfriend. I missed my parents. I called my Mother this morning, telling her how Doc saved Jayson’s life and how amazed I was Jackson was able to get Doc in a moment of panic. She of course was worried about everyone, said how much she missed us too.

The little kids were all sleeping, even Jayson with the girls. I think the shock to his body has him still a bit sore and tired. The older ones were out throwing rocks in the water, and saying pretty stupid shit to Doc’s girls using the translator to tell lame kid jokes, which are funny because they are so lame! I got Doc to come into the bedroom, asking him to help me with something. Once he was in, of course, I wanted him to help me put his penis in my mouth. He resisted at first cause the kids were outside, but I think once I slipped to my knees, he was a bit more willing. I simply said, listen for the door. It has been so long since I have been able to lick some balls. Yes, a bit lewd and silly, but I love it. The skin is so nice against my tongue, the way it relaxes or bunches up, the salted taste and manly scent. Letting each side just slip into my mouth with soft suckles while fingers toy upon his shaft. I was so fucking happy. I was. Even as I licked along the base of his shaft, loving the feel of hair against my lips and face, and teased the tip enough to make him shift his stance before taking him down my throat and welcome him to the clench of my gag reflex. Seeing I’m catholic and all, I did make sure not to let a drop slip from my mouth when he did finally pop. I care.

Later I told him about California. After everyone was settled after dinner, and our evening walk to work off the meal. We were just sitting outside, the kids were inside doing little things and watching movies. I had the twins on my lap, sleeping against my chest. He didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear, but then again, he rarely does. Maybe I was just hopeful. I told him I wanted to move to California with my parents seeing he didn’t seem inclined to move in together until marriage. Maybe he could move to California too. New start, beautiful weather. He pretty much said no. That I was to stay until it was time to marry. I started to cry. I got up with the girls in my hand and big ugly tears, I could feel them rolling down my cheeks. Told him he was so fucking selfish, to make me live in my parents house by myself, knowing I loved him too much to leave, and everything had to be his way. He leaves when he wants to, sees me when he wants to, will marry me when he wants to. What about me? I hate being alone! I want to be his wife and a good step mother to his kids. Right now I like the kids more then I liked him, and told him so! I hated to get so upset and loud, but fuck! I stomped in the house in tears, put the girls to bed, and went into the bedroom, laid the girls with me in his bed, writing now, just trying to calm down. Got damn it, I love him. He is a fucking ass! I’m in love with an Ass! Fucker.

Enough writing for now, Dylan and Jayson have just walked in, I think they are worried. So fucking cute, I will snuggle them both with me, Doc can have the fucking couch with the girls.

Asshole.

The Call…..

I was feeling at home. I really was. Still just minimal fights between the boys, I think because there wasn’t a lot of places for them to run around here, not like the house back near the reservation where they had full run of the woods and such. They do love the beach though, the waters, playing Frisbee with Sausage, though they complain he takes to long to bring it back. They are missing their wolf dog back home. Should have brought it, might eat Doc’s cat. It still gives me nasty looks every time I get close to it. Still have Dylan calling me Mommy, so if he tries to run again, there will be guilt. I have that nagging feeling in the back of my head it will happen. Like, this is too good to be true. I wish I could stop that feeling. Smoking weed helps. When I can’t, been keeping some canna-gummybears and brownies in the upper shelves of the kitchen. In an empty coffee tin. Yes, empty. Dumped out all the coffee, and cut the plug line to the machine. I said one of the kids must have done it. No coffee in this beach house.

I love laying out in the sun while the kids are playing. Have to use that very high sunblock on Sausage though, he loves it out here too, but damn I thought I smelled bacon the other day! Had to rub another layer on him! Jackson is so cute, he is very fixated on Dylan, who doesn’t seem to mind that he doesn’t talk that much, but he is a little more, as he gets comfortable. She likes that arty stuff like he does. He ground up some sidewalk chalk to fine powder, and was showing Dylan how to mix it with the sand to add some color to their sand castles. Got some of those small surf board looking things for the big kids, not sure of their name, but seems Doc left his amazon account up, so he really got them, and we got next day delivery too! Got him some sexy underwear too. I got some sports bras for the girls, I noticed he has them wear under shirts or tanks under their clothing, but it’s really too hot for that, so a nice sports bra covers the bits and keeps them cool. He is such a stuffy Dad.

I love it when he is home at night, I get to snuggle with him in bed of course, leaving a nice red ribbon tied around his shaft with one of those gift tags you put on presents, that says “I love you” on it. So he knows when he wakes up. When he works nights, I lay the three girls in bed with him for their afternoon nap while he is sleeping. Lock up the house, so he has to get up when they do, that way I can go swim with the older kids in the water, can’t really do that with the little ones there. Jayson is really becoming a stronger swimmer now. Not as good as the others but he is getting there.

When I leave the water, to his little protest I make him get out of the water with me. He isn’t ready to be that free in the water. The older ones I can just keep an eye out on, and of course Jackson, between looking from his painting easel points and says Mom, when they are being too silly out there. I think he is a little board without Dylan there. I did explain to him that little kids need naps, or they turn into little monsters at night. I had the seven older ones, he had the three little ones, I think it’s a good trade off. Jayson was playing in the sand, making sand balls to try to throw at the older kids in the water when I got a phone call.

It was my Father, just asking how things are going, I asked how Spain was. He said they were cutting their trip short, because he got a job offer in California from Standford University. His dream job. Of course he told me Mother was all for it, because he gave up everything to marry her, and live on the reservation their whole married lives. She was happy to do this for him. Well, sweet, but I will be honest and I started to cry! What about me! I guess he was ready for that, because he was soothing me, telling me not to worry. They were keeping the house in Maine, if I wanted to stay there until I was married, or of course, I could go to California with them, until I was married. I didn’t like that. Like, once I’m married I have to do whatever Doc says, but then when I thought about it, duh, guess that is the way it works. Either way, I was upset! Why didn’t they tell me about it earlier! See if I was okay with it! He kept telling me to calm down. Sure, get me upset then tell me to calm down! What the fuck! He told me to talk to Doc about it. Call him back later to let him know what I decide. Then he paused, with the…by the way….The ex remarried and changed his last name. Good way to get me from being so upset with them, now I was pissed! How are you going to change your last night, I assume he took the woman’s whoever she was, and forgot he had a namesake? What the fuck would I tell Julian? Sorry Love, your not longer a Jr. Your father doesn’t give two shits about you being an extension of him. I guess the last nail in the coffin kinda thing.

I was so angry, that I didn’t even hear Jackson screaming Mom. I looked up and dropped my phone. Jayson must have gone in the water, because they were dragging him out of the water, and he was blue. I screamed at Jackson to go get Doc without thinking. Didn’t even dawn on me that he hasn’t said a single word to him since we got there. Needless to say, he did it. If felt like forever, but it was mere minutes before Doc came and took over CPR and my precious Jayson was coughing and breathing, looking pink and crying.

One of the worse and best moments of my life. I couldn’t stop crying. Too much, over load I guess. I think once we got to the house, I fainted. I just remember being in bed, with Jayson in my arms. I carefully got up, not to wake Jayson, and found Doc on the couch with the girls. I kissed his lips, and whispered I owed him everything. So now out writing, smoking my joint, and fuck….I have never felt so lucky in my life.

While he is at work…..

The kids are still up when he leaves to work at night. Honestly I enjoy getting to know the girls. Moon Pie is like our little translator. She has this phone app thing she uses to talk with the girls. I like how happy she is to have girls her age when most of her life has been surrounded by boys, until the twins came, but they are still too young to be fun to preteens. The girls are making these cute shell wind chimes from the ones we found on the beach. I found some of Doc’s surgical tools to use, warning the girls not to cut themselves, because I would stitch them up with regular orange needle and thread until Doc/their Father came home. They were careful. No one bled. Well, almost no one. Jackson seems to have taken a liking to Dylan, she likes to paint, and doesn’t even eat it, which is strange in a little girl. Even my twins went through the…tasting everything stage once they were all over the place! Which is fine. She seems to be able to hang with the big kids, because she was still up and painting seashells with Jackson, even after I put the twins to bed.

I did get a little thrill, earlier in the evening after Doc left, I was sitting on the floor with Jackson, the twins and Dylan. The girls would toss the shells in a bucket of water, I would take them out and dry them, handing them to Dylan and Jackson to paint. Between all that, the older boys found some smooth flat rocks in the sand by the water, and the three were at the table, trying to see who could stack theirs the tallest without it falling. The three older girls were working on the holes for the shells already painted and dried, so they could string them and make the wind chimes hanging off some drift wood we brought back too. So everyone was content. I had a bowl of dry fruit loops, sweet treats for the girls next to me, so as they did task, I would pop one in all three of their mouths for the good job. Jackson of course didn’t like sweet things like that, so I was giving him pieces of baby carrots so he didn’t feel left out. I would give a piece to Juliana, and point to myself, and she would go “please Mommy!” and I would give her one, did the same thing to Jacqueline, pointing to myself until she said “please, Mommy” and finally Dylan who seemed a bit shy, and of course took a few rounds for her to say Mommy when I pointed to myself, but when she did, she got two pieces and I would clap and the girls would clap, of course Dylan clapped too, because Yay! I wonder how Doc will feel about that one. Honestly, I don’t care. Her mom isn’t around, and well, he is going to be my husband if he likes it or not! SO I am the Mommy! So once my girls started getting cranky, and pulling each other’s hair when one wanted to put the last shell in the bucket and the other did it, I picked the up to get the ready for bed, and Dylan said “Bye, Mommy” and that damn near made me cry it was so sweet. So gave her another fruit loop and even the pouting twins did a half clap for her.

I told Moon Pie, Mia and Pia to keep an eye on Dylan while I put the girls down, and of course as I walked out, there is Jayson crying, while having a death grip on Joaquin’s hair, Moon Pie trying to get Jayson off Joaquin, Julian trying to get Moon Pie off Jayson, saying to let him get Joaquin, Mia and Pia trying to get Julian off Moon Pie, and Dylan with Jackson, simply ignoring it all while they painted. So happy Doc wasn’t here to see this! I simply walked over and used my fingers to wedge between Jayson’s clamped fingers so they released Joaquin’s hair and pretty much everyone went tumbling to the ground, all laughing expect Jayson of course, and well, Joaquin was pissed, he had a bloody lip.

Picked up my sweet Jayson and held him while he cried and pointed to Joaquin saying he was winning and Joaquin knocked all his rock down so he wouldn’t win and even though he isn’t suppose to hit, he had a rock in his hand so he didn’t really hit Joaquin in the mouth, the rock did. Awwwww of course in my head I thought…..just the way I would see it, but I had to tell him to not do that next time, hitting people with rocks isn’t nice. Use your words. Which made me laugh, because my ex use to tell me that. To use my words inside of fighting all the time. I guess it rubbed off a bit. I kissed away his sweet tears, then told him he had to tell Joaquin he was sorry, and why he was sorry, so I knew it was real. He did, and Joaquin did the same. I got a wash cloth and cleaned Joaquin’s face, and got him a little ice pack for his lip. Julian of course was poking fun at Joaquin, saying he got beat up by his little brother. Moon Pie of course was translating everything to Mia and Pia with her phone, which it was nice to see them giggle about it too. I had the little twins in the Doc’s girls bed, so I told them they could sleep on the couch if they wanted with Moon Pie and the rest of the kids, I will put a movie on.

Once everyone was washed up, in jammies, I took two of the sleeping bags and put it in the girls bedroom for Jayson to sleep with the little kids, and Jackson. Put all three little girls in the real bed, and the five oldest were in the living room. I cleaned up the paints and mess leaving the rest of the painted shells on the table to dry, picking up the rocks the boys had, Joaquin said not to wash of the ones with blood on them, they looked neat. Odd child of mine, but shrugged it off and left them there to dry also. The two wind chimes they did get fully completed, I hung out on the deck so Doc could see them when he got home.

Once the kids were all sleeping, I texted him pictures of three girls peacefully sleeping on the couch, said they were all wonderful tonight. Pictures of the wind chimes in case he was so tired when he got home, he missed them. Of course also adding in I love him, and would have some nice breakfast for him in the morning when he got home. Not to work too hard.

So after all that, when I went to get my lighter, and journal so I could write outside and smoke a joint, I was just opening his drawers cause everyone carries a lighter somewhere in the house, even if they don’t smoke. Checking pockets, drawers, okay maybe snooping a bit while I did so, but damn, if I didn’t find some cigarettes. Seriously? Cigarettes. I took a picture of them, planning to text it to him, but no. I had a better idea. I looked around for more, under the bed, in more drawers, his jackets…if I found any, I would just take them all outside with me. And with a needle I started to poke out all the tobacco. Leaving the tube looking all normal, expect it was empty. Putting them all back in the packs and where I found them. Tossing the tobacco in a bag in the trash.

So here I am, smoking my joint, feeling good. I can’t wait to get married.

Interesting.

Of course I was up early, making breakfast for everyone. There was pork in the house, so simply got rid of that. Didn’t throw it away though, took it to his neighbors, telling them Doc decided to become Muslim and well, no pork. Of course I had a light scarf over my head, feeling like I looked more like a migrant worker about to hit the fields over being Muslim. Either way, they took the pork and said to thank him. Bacon, sausage, everything. Gone. I felt better, and I knew Sausage would be happier. I let him out of the cage, put his harness on and took him out for a walk very early. When we came back I made breakfast. Jackson was up, he seemed a bit confused, but I explained to him, that we were at the beach house I told him about. He seemed a little unsure, maybe close to a panic attack, but I had him sit at the table beside me, gave him some food coloring to color pancake batter with, so we could make rainbow pancakes, and eggs. That seemed to chill him some, as I got his meds and stuff out. As everyone woke up, Doc’s girls seemed a little weary too, I mean, there was mass amounts of children there. Moon Pie was thrilled to have the girls there. The little girls seemed fascinated with Dylan. I got plates for everyone. Of course, that red hair, made me think of that girl that was staying with Doc. Her hair was red. Saying she was so fucking innocent. I was taking a few deep breaths, as I got everyone settled. Orange juice for twelve, plates for twelve, I cut up the pancakes for the three girls, and just gave everyone a smile. I didn’t feel very hungry. Too much on my mind. Of course, in my passive aggressive way I can get, I refuse to ever make him coffee again. At least, not until we are married. I needed something to make me feel better, because yeah, the goal shit worked last night, but now I had more time to think and it made me mad.Though, I did lean over and kiss his lips when I put his plate before him. I tried not to look too angry at him, but the kids, I was delightfully sweet to. I would offer more food when plates were empty, and once everyone was done, and sent to wash up, I collected everything, to rinse and stack until I could wash them later, putting away any extra in the fridge, and just….for a moment, I like the anger slip away, and I felt good. I miss being the feeling I was having right now.

Once all the kids were settled, and playing outside, looking at the water over the deck, just marveling over everything, I got out their swim stuff, towels, and swim shoes because well, the bottom of the water was gross and slimy, no one should have to feel that between toes.

Letting them play, I started to peel some oranges, and pack snacks to take the beach, happy Doc had one of those rolling coolers there, so I could add a shit ton of water bottles for everyone. The girls liked their hair all free, long and wild but it would be a mess all over when it got wet, so had to pull them up in ponytails, as they were mad and wanted to keep playing with Dylan. Of course I did try to put a ponytail in her red soft hair too. My older boys had long hair, so man buns it was. Moon Pie of course would pull up her own hair, in a cute messy bun on the top of her head.

Now I was a bit stunned over the swimsuits Doc’s girls had. What the fuck? Yeah, I could see the neighbors totally going with the Muslim story now. Good lord. They didn’t seem bothered by it, so I said nothing, though it was a clash between all four boys in their swimming trunks with bright colors, and the three girls in one pieces with cute side cut outs and neon colors. Well except Jackson. He just had shorts and a simple white tee on. He didn’t want to go near the water. Goodness, so much to take, some sand toys, stuff of the little girls, higher suntan lotion as my kids were all light skinned like their Father, expect Moon Pie, some waterproof spray stuff for the older kids, sun glasses, sandals, everything!

Poor Doc having to carry the brunt of it. I used my heart as an excuse not to carry too much, of course Joaquin and Julian helped Doc with the bags and stuff. Even though we were not the far, totally needed all this stuff!

In the wave of seven black haired children, there were two blondes and one redhead. It was a very obvious clash. I liked it. He told me about some research stuff he is doing at night, made me pout, but it was okay. I was use of him taking night shifts at the hospital. Maybe while he was working, I could try to get to know the girls better. I am greatly looking forward to that.

Of course he said he hoped I wasn’t smoking weed anymore. I snapped “Do you see me doing it?” and left it at that. Only plus side, while he is working, I will have a nice fat joint on the deck when the kids are sleeping. Win win.

Sometimes……

I amaze myself. I know its been a couple weeks since I have written,but have been enjoying the beach, sun, and feeling like a real family again. Though there is a twist. Father in one of his many lectures before I came out here, told me, when I am feeling frustrated and angry about something, think about something else, goal related. SO I did it, and it sorta worked! I am shocked and amazed, Go Poe! It was very late when we arrived, the kids were all tired and I loved that he had sleeping bags for all seven spread out and ready. He helped me get them all into the house, of course the three oldest walked all cranky into the house and just fell out where I pointed. It was nice having him help me get Jackson, Jayson and the girls settled. Seven little pecks on their foreheads while they were sleeping, and the bags could wait until tomorrow. SO many bags! Oh well, tomorrow. I showered, he joined me, it was nice. It having felt like forever since I have seen him, to feel his hands upon my body under the steaming water. He liked my blonde hair, which I am happy, because if he hated it, that would have been weird! Of course I had this, no sex until we are married plan, but that kinda was gone. We didn’t fuck in the shower as pretty much was the norm sometimes, but there was lots of teasing. I liked it. I loved the feel of his scars under my fingers again. Kissing them, caressing them, touching the heavy warmth of his balls…..fuck so much I missed. It felt weird, his fingers touching the scar down my chest, but in a good way. Like, he touched it, and my clit tingled. From the heart to the coochie, figures.

Once we got into bed, of course, the sex was mind blowing. Maybe because I was biting on a pillow to keep quiet, or simply because it has been so long. Either way, I was so happy. That is until I was wrapped in his arms, my head against his chest, listening to his heart. We were having idle conversation, about taking the kids to the beach tomorrow, how his girls love collecting the shells, then a causal remark about how its not just Mia and Pia there. Of course I was like, oh? They brought a friend? No, sadly no, that wasn’t it. SO there was another little girl. Dylan. He said was his. Now I felt myself tense, and anger instantly flush through my body like someone was filling me with hot water. It was a weird feeling, after I had been basking in the delights of post sex. He was fucking smart to soften me up with a good dicking. Now, the instant rage I had, really made me want to stay a million things. Was this the same little girl he yelled at me about saying she called him uncle or something? First lie. The fact he had a little girl, when he is suppose to be fixed, second lie. Goals. Goals. Goals. Goals. I chanted that a few times in a mutter, probably was strange to him, if he was really paying attention, and decided, I would deal with it after we are married. I would indeed. Maybe it was the canna-cookies I ate on the way here, because I couldn’t smoke in the van and didn’t want him to pull over, I was just ready to get here. Or maybe the new drugs I got after I was cleared by the heart doctor. Perhaps both. I am not even sure, but it was a strange feeling, this calm feeling. Once I could get my body to move again, without any violent actions on the cusp, I just ran my fingers along his chest, giving a little circle around his nipple. “No big deal, I love children, will make make our family bigger and happier. I love you” I am not sure who the fuck was even speaking those words.

Sure the fuck wasn’t me, but yet it was. Even now, I am still shocked. I said them. I threw no fit. Kept my eyes on the goal. I want to marry the man I love. And if he doesn’t marry me? I honestly think I would try to kill him. I don’t care if I have to fucking go to Germany, I would find him and kill him. Because I love him that much.

Start of an…..

Adventure, yes, this was going to truly be an adventure. I’m so happy the Doc thought ahead and had them bring one of those fifteen passenger vans. The guy was outside waiting for us, and I had lots of bags. He seemed a bit unhappy about that.

Even more when I brought out three booster seats! For the girls, and Jayson. The rest of the kids had all their stuff in hands piling in, my parents all weepy eyed that we were all leaving. I even was able to get Jackson to come with us. I couldn’t bare leaving him behind this time. Packed up all his art stuff and he seemed weary, but willing. Just holding the side of my shirt curled up in his hand. Probably the closest I will get to holding hands with him ever. Moon Pie and the older boys were very excited. Jayson too, of course, the little girls just going with the flow as we got everyone piled in once the bags were in.

Damn, made me tear up too, all of us leaving my parents house. I said it would just be a few weeks, and they should enjoy it! Because if he changes his mind and hates having all of us there, they will have to take care of the kids while I’m locked up for murder. Father said that wasn’t funny. I said no one was joking.

Either way, I am nervous. We did our kisses, hugs and of course Father slipped me some ‘spending’ money in a thick envelope. Him and Mother will be flying out to Spain in two days, he tried to talk me into ditching the vacation with Doc and all of us joining them in Spain, but I said no. This would be the first step for our life together. To see how we can function as a family. I am very excited. Father telling me to be careful, and not to be to hard on the Doc, seven kids is a lot to take in. I have no doubt he can handle it.

We had to go, all of us waving, except Jackson, he was curled against my side, I think he was as nervous as I am. Just keeping his face buried against my ribs. It was a bit of a drive, the kids are all sleeping, I am just writing in my journal. The Uber driver is cracking open his third red bull, saying he has never made so many stops as it seemed the kids had to pee all the time.He seemed to be all twitchy the first hour into the trip because Sausage was squealing a lot in his cage, pissed to be in there. The driver throwing a fit about all the noise, Moon Pie let Sausage out and put him on her lap, feeding him red vines. Bad idea. Our first stop was cleaning licorice scented pig vomit off her dress and getting her changed. I texted Doc to tell him we were running behind, but be there soon, it was late, and the kids are sleeping in the van. Told him I loved him and was very much excited to see him, even if he keeps saying he is going to sew up my coochie. I missed him so fucking much. The van is pretty much totaled inside. Like a snack bar exploded in here. Sippy cups rolling around, the girls thought it was so funny to toss fruit snacks towards the driver, Joaquin showing them if they licked them before they threw them, they would stick to the front windshield. I liked that the van was full of laughter and giggles. Juice boxes all over, damn cheese balls the boys all liked, scattered from them fighting over the bags…..will have to tip this poor guy good. Jayson had a bag of jelly beans he bit them in half, eating one half and sticking the other on a window to make pictures, reminding me of those old fashion light bright things with the pegs. But now, its quiet. I never liked the quiet. Even Sausage was sleeping in his cage. Enough writing for now, I think the driver was about in tears when he said we are almost there!

Wish us all luck!